IT (Computer Support) Department's Sarcasm?

"IT Department Instructions to Users, not!"

1. When you call us (It Department) to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. Like, we don't really have a life and find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of your busted-ass world.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can guess the error messages from here.
3. When an IT person says he/she's coming right over to fix your problem, sure, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 70,000 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer is unpluggd.
5. When IT support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We must be just "testing".
6. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve your stupid ass.
7. Sure. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery just for you. Idiot.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. Oh sure, there truly is electronics in it.
9. Sure, when the shredder doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in that too.
10. Sure. When your kid's gaming PC is busted, haul it to work and call computer support. We love your kids.
11. Oh yes. And when something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love an endless puzzle.
12. When an IT person tells you "no" your computer screen doesn't have a cartridge in it, argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an IT person tells you the issue arises from a user input error, go ahead and argue and keep making the same mistake and breaking your workstation. We love having a standoff with a totally belligerent moron.
14. When an IT person tells you that she'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
15. Right. Sure. By all means, when the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 50 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
16. Oh sure. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 268 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
17. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy is messed up".
18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps. Play around with the damn thing till you totally destroy it.

Help Desk Calls

1. After a caller gave the technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right.
   
   The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
   
2. Another user who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.
   
3. Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
   
4. This caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace-- was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.
   

Windows Error Messages (spoof)

Windows Error Message
	Windows Error 0200300410031: Windows loaded - System in danger

Windows Error Message
	Windows Error 0200300410032: Windows is shutting down your computer. Windows has encountered an unrecoverable error in memory location 0XFFFFFF and believes a horrible virus is responsible or because of your not having a properly paid for and registered version of Windows, Windows is now shutting down YOUR computer, like it or not, because Windows controls your computer and what you put on it so don't think you any longer own this box nor think that there might be anything you can do about it because windows is now going to shut down your computer so save your work but if you can't because the mouse won't move or your keyboard is locked then click your mouse on the OK button and type .... closing down in 5 seconds .............

Windows Error Message
	Windows Error 0200300410034: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong yet. Windows is shutting down your computer.

Windows Error Message
	Windows Error 0093419: Windows cannot find a driver signature for this software you bought from someone else. It likely won't work and neither will your computer. Windows is shutting down your computer.

Windows Error Message
	Windows Error 0093479: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. Windows will continue to run. For your security your off button has been disabled.

Windows Error Message
	Windows Error 009341E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.

Windows Error Message
	Windoze Error 00912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void or system price error - Inadequate money spent on software. Upgrade now! Windows has been deleted.

Windows Error Message
	Windoze Error 0093419: Windows cannot find a driver signature for this software you bought from someone else. It likely won't work and neither will your computer. - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!